Solo

 

I wish I could buy you a car,

An old truck

Shiny and pretty

Probably a Scottsdale.

I wish I could give you an allowance

Big enough to cover endless movies, mall trips, and nights out with the boys.

I wish I could get you to smile

Like when you’re trying to get something 

By me, And your face lights up 

and your lips turn up so high 

they shift the twinkle in your eyes.

I wish I could hold you again at age 1,

with your NUK in your mouth and Ben folds blaring.

I wish you were 2, arguing in full sentences,

Potty trained and shaking your head in disdain at me.

I’m wish you were 3. 

A worker man dragging papa’s leaf blower all over the yard, a frying pan in  your hand after watching Tangled (Long Hair), 

and a pirate-bad-guy song on your lips.

I waited 27 years for you-

For the best thing my life has ever known.

You arrived with blond hair and blue eyes- 

A stranger even though you grew inside me.

You wanted to move

Wanted music to blast

And things to rush in front of you

Like the scenery flying past on 95.

You walked early,

Talked early,

And made us think something was wrong

With every other kid your age.

I adore you my Solo.

I have never begged and wept and waited

For anything,

Like I waited for you.

A whirling dervish,

My Destructo,

My Pirate, my bad guy, my villain,

My kind boy.

I adore you.

You were made for greatness.

Made for followers and friends 

to walk In your footsteps.

So, 

lead well. 

Make each step count.

Smile, and let joy light up your face.

Tell everyone about Jesus.

Be everyone’s friend,

Everyone’s wing man,

Everyone’s confidant.

Tell everyone the salvation story.

You are amazing my sweet Solo.

My first best gift. 

My first joy,

My first unconditional love.

Seek Jesus.

Follow Him.

Walk the narrow path.

Throw off everything that hinders,

And run the race set before you.

I’m here for it all.

But hear me on  this- 

I implore you-

run to Jesus.

Don’t be Jonah.

You’ll get where He wants you anyway, 

Avoid the consequences.

Reap blessings.

Love everyone,

Know Jesus,

Love Jesus,

Give Jesus

To everyone

45

 

And The gray in your beard

And at your temples, 

maps the life we blazed.

Four sons trekking alongside us, 

and our daughter in heaven, waiting for us.

 

We’re planted here

On singing wood lane

Where the roof is sagging

And the floors are topsy turvy, 

But the sun shines  in the windows 

as we home educate our boys.

27 years I waited for the gift of you, 

and your promise 

of faithfulness and forever. 

I’m still hooked. 

Always will be.

Your eyes locked on mine

In the summer of 2005

And I knew. That very first instant,

That you were home to me

I love you falls short.

I’ve loved you when c-sections

ripped me apart, 

And you smiled and promised me

that my organs weren’t pulled out

While our sons were fished out of me.

I’ve loved you since we sold one home,

Rented another, and another, and another

Before landing on Singing Wood.

we’ve survived a 40 foot fall and a car crash

That should have taken you.

We’ve buried dogs and built an ebenezer, had four sons- four men growing at light speed, readying to take flight and leave. 

They’re our greatest accomplishment,

Our dragon slayers growing strong 

In times of peace. 

To say I love you,

That I’m thankful you were born-

Falls short.

I know 

that before the foundations of the earth were laid

You were mine.

Our souls were made one

And all the time before 

we found each other, 

Was merely our attempt 

to find our way home.

Foster

 

Give me the babies.

The crusty noses,

The goopy eyes,

The gassy, fussy criers.

Give me your spirit,

Fill me with Peace

So tangible

These babies find rest

In my arms,

On my chest,

In our home

Rinehart

 

How do you tell your adult best friend

That her basic civility,

Her kindness, her loyalty, 

her late night chats

Have healed a childhood 

full of mean girl relationships,

That made you doubt yourself

and waste 30 years

Trying to figure out why the mean girls picked you to be so mean too,

And that every new face isn’t a mean girl waiting to do the same thing?

How do you say a big enough thank you 

For all of that?

College

 

My first born is leaving soon

Flying the nest.

In just one year

He will head to college

To a life all his own.

But the separation has begun

Like a baby pushed downward

In labor’s contractions

Making ready the path to vacate.

It isn’t today that he leaves

But the pains are increasing.

His silences are greater 

and His reclusion-

to talk to friends, the family 

he wishes he had,

Increases. 

My heart is beating 

outside my chest.

And not for me.

In fact, it beats 

in defiance of me.

I love you my Solo. 

So much so that I am letting go.

But not because I want to.

I’m desperate to hold you close

Protect you 

Adore you

Smother you

Forever. 

 

But you are almost ready.

To go.