I dont know why its pulling me under tonight.

I don't know why the terrible loop that started with, "we cant find her heartbeat," is on repeat.

I don't know what today did to trigger the shadows to step away from the edges of normalcy and smother me.

I don't know why it feels fresh again.

I don't know why I am back to being unable to catch my breath. Is it knowing she is gone or or the panic that I have all of forever to ache for her?

I don't know why I am nesting when I know she isn't arriving. 

I don't know how to listen to her brother plead for another sister every night. 

I don't know how to be both relieved and sad every 28 days. 

I don't know how to grow our family without sheer terror of every sonogram.  

I don't know how to close my eyes and rest. 

I don't know how to make it stop.