One Day

I thought it would get easier after the perintologist arranged the D&E. I thought it would be easier when the procedure was done and I couldnt feel her still weight inside of me. I thought it would be easier after the doctor famed on abortiondoc.com, tore her from her from me because like her brothers, she couldn't be born naturally.

I thought it would be easier after the funeral home director sat across from me at my kitchen table filling out her death certificate. I thought it would get easier after we wrapped her in the quilt her Nana and I made and placed her in the most beautifully crafted box, made by a friend that poured out his love for us through wood and nails.

I thought it would be easier after her dad and brothers dug a hole and lowered her down. I thought it would be easier after she was covered in grass under the lavender crepe myrtle planted just for her. I thought that easier was coming after the family walked away from her grave and her dad and I clung to each other and wept.

Easier must be around the corner. I know that one day I will not cry when a newborn joins our pew in church or I pass the girl section in Target. I know that one day I will not tear up when all the cousins are together knowing that she will never join their play, or ride the wagon to the pumpkin patch, or sit in the conversation pit to open christmas presents, or ride horses in the pasture with papa. One day I will stop waking up thinking she is still growing inside of me.

I know that it will get easier because I know I will see you again. I know you are whole. I know you are loved. I know you are in heaven. I know that my God is still good.