There's a dull ache resonating where Gracie should be. Tears still rest close to the surface and overflow at silly things, like watching my teenage nieces braiding each others hair.

Im not angry that Grace died. Not exactly. I trust in Jesus.  I believe that the Almighty God that knew the beginning and the end before the foundations of the earth were laid, has a plan. Im not angry at his plan. Not completely.

Im not angry that my friend's daughter is healthy and due next week. Im sad. I am heart crushingly sad. But I am not angry.

Everyone says its okay to be angry. But I refuse. I throw my anger on the giant's face and fight hard not to fix my eyes on him. I know that if I stop worshipping, I stop trusting. If I stop trusting, I start to panic. The all out crazy lady kind of panic because my baby is gone and in a box, in a field, and everything in me wants to rush there and scream into the night. I know that if I do that, I will not recover. I know I will not rise up and walk away. I know the anger will take root and ruin me.

I dont have time for poison. I have her brothers to raise. I have a Savior to point them too. I have a giant to fight back every moment of everday. I can't do that if I'm angry. I cant do that if I stop trusting. I can not do that if I stop worshipping.

I am weary of the sadness. So I worship.
I want her back. So I worship.

And He is near.
And I weep, and weep, and weep.

I dont know why its pulling me under tonight.

I don't know why the terrible loop that started with, "we cant find her heartbeat," is on repeat.

I don't know what today did to trigger the shadows to step away from the edges of normalcy and smother me.

I don't know why it feels fresh again.

I don't know why I am back to being unable to catch my breath. Is it knowing she is gone or or the panic that I have all of forever to ache for her?

I don't know why I am nesting when I know she isn't arriving. 

I don't know how to listen to her brother plead for another sister every night. 

I don't know how to be both relieved and sad every 28 days. 

I don't know how to grow our family without sheer terror of every sonogram.  

I don't know how to close my eyes and rest. 

I don't know how to make it stop.

Sometimes I cant put my finger on why on a perfectly fine day, something still feels wrong.

Then I remember I lost you, and the sadness stops ebbing in the shadows and throws its weight, heavy on my chest.

I just want to stop the replay. I want to stop remembering your movements in the waiting room. I want to stop remembering you so still an hour later. I want to close my eyes and not see the moniter and not witness your stillness, or hear the tech's panic and rush to leave the room. I want to forget the first moments your dad and I clung to each other, silently trying to catch our breath and calm our hearts and start a life without you.

Tonight I want to close my eyes and sleep and not remember you at all.

I can't describe it well enough, the missing.

Some days it's like a hit to your funny bone, all pins and needles like, with a sharp hurt that you can't touch to soothe.

Some days it's like the moment you know you are going to be sick. That primal moment when your body is in control and you have no choice but to steady yourself at a bowl and let your body purge.

A lot more days are like the latter.

Like when the boy at show and tell presented the tiniest diaper, belonging to his newest sister, born too early, but still alive. The copper taste hits my tongue and I think of how my baby should be this size. The bile rises as Solo turns to find my eyes as it dawns on him that he should be having a baby sister soon. I need a bowl as I watch the sadness travel across his face.

You feel a little further away every time I leave your grave. Each step carries me away from the last hours I held you.

I startle half a dozen times a day thinking you are moving, and for a split second it all feels unreal, like my life could be rewound, and a thousand trips to your tree erased and with them the ordeal of burying you. For a whole second, I have hope.

Then the second passes. And I remember that I could not have felt you move. That I have not felt you flip and squirm and move to Ben Folds or your brother's raucous for 65 whole days. I remember that your due date is not approaching. I remember that you are wrapped in a quilt and resting in a box that is buried under a muskagee myrtle in the field.

And then I force my eyes around this giant, and remember you are whole and perfect in heaven. I remember that this is just one more moment that I can praise Him in the storm. One more moment I can show my sons my tears and grief and let them hear me say, "He is still good."

Knocking the wind out of me

It's like being hit in the chest with a ton of bricks, his questions.

They're always asked at inopportune times and when surrounded by strangers. I've become accustomed to weeping in grocery store aisles.

 "Mom, are we going to have another baby? Will it be a girl? Please can it be a girl? I really want a sister."

"Will she wear Gracie's clothes? They're already here and ready and never been worn."

"Will we paint her room pink? What will her name be?"

"Will you stop being sad if you have another baby girl, Mom?

 Are you more sad at Gracie's grave? Sometimes I am, but sometimes it feels good to be near her."

One brother wants to go to heaven and bring her back, and the other says dying won't be so bad anymore because then he can be with her.

And then you have their prayers.
"Dear God thank you for our Gracie girl. Take care of her until I get there". He sits under her tree with a hand on her grave telling me it's the only way he can touch her.

We talk a lot about dying, about Heaven. We talk about Jesus, how he loved us enough to die. About how He rose from the dead. About how Gracie will not be brought back from the dead, but yes, God is powerful enough that He could. We talk a lot about how God is good, even though Mommy cries a lot.

We talk a lot about how David was just a boy who stood firmly in front of Goliath and didn't buckle because his eyes weren't fixed on the giant. They were fixed on the Savior.  We talk about how right now, our giant is missing Gracie, and how we will not fix our eyes on that loss, but on the Savior that stands behind it. Even though some days that giant is so tall, it feels impossible to see around him.